


The Line Between

by MaevesChild



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Not Really Character Death, Other, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:27:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28220913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaevesChild/pseuds/MaevesChild
Summary: The Chantry says that demons seek to enter the world of the living by possessing weak minded mages and the dead. Fereldans burn their dead to prevent it.  Nevarrans seek to harness their dead for the same reason.The truth has always been more complicated, but the outcome is often the same, even with the best of intentions.
Relationships: Anders/Female Cousland (Dragon Age), Anders/Female Warden (Dragon Age), Justice/Female Cousland, Justice/Female Warden
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. Envy and Memory

“It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, “ Elissa said, bitter as winter. “Love, that is.”

First Darrien, then...well, it wasn’t worth rehashing now. The archdemon was dead. That was all that mattered.

Justice turned his head to look at her. Kristoff’s head, she supposed, but that was semantics.

“This man’s memories do not agree with you. But I am new to this world. Perhaps I do not yet understand.”

The corner of her mouth twisted. “No, it’s not him. It’s me. Not everyone is cursed.”

“I cannot help but envy what they had, Kristoff and Aura. Is this wrong?” He touched his own face like Aura had and looked again at the empty space where she’d been. Elissa wondered at this. Aura hadn’t seemed all that put off, considering the circumstance.

What _did_ it feel like to touch him, or that body? There wasn’t precedent for any of this. Kristoff hadn’t been dead very long; he was fully intact. It wouldn’t have taken much time in a place like the Blackmarsh before the creatures started to do damage. Justice had been inside the body for weeks now and it hadn’t changed at all. Despite Nathaniel wondering if he’d rot to the bone, there was no smell. There was nothing that showed Kristoff’s body wasn’t actually alive again at least in some fashion.

He caught her staring. “Is something wrong Commander?”

“No,” Elissa said, looking away. “Let’s go. There’s darkspawn to kill.”

“Yes, and Grey Wardens to avenge.”

Neither of them said anything further, but he followed her obediently out of the Chantry. Anders, however, spoke up the moment they cleared the doors. Inside he was always quiet, not to draw attention, but the tone of his voice made it clear he’d been biting his tongue.

“I thought you said you didn’t have any desires.” His tone was bordering on anxious.

“What do you mean, mage?” Justice’s reply was through clenched teeth.

“ _Envy._ You said you envied what they had. Isn’t Envy a demon?”

“I am no demon.”

“But you said…..”

“Anders, enough,” Elissa interrupted. She did not turn back to look at them. 

Anders sighed. She couldn’t tell if it was annoyance or actually relief at not knowing the answer.

“Fine, sorry, shutting up.”

The silence wouldn’t last long, she was sure of it, but she tried to enjoy it while it did. She didn’t want to know the answer either.

* * *

Vigil’s Keep was never truly silent or dark, with guards and torches on the walls at all hours. Elissa hadn’t expected to hear the clang of a sword against the training dummies in the dead of night.

She hadn’t expected to be awake at this hour either, but the nightmares won the night. There was no point in laying in her bed, staring into the darkness. She moved towards the sound -- someone to talk to would be better than rehashing visions. Especially when those visions were of the Archdemon and the man who died when he killed it. 

They were both dead. Just like Darrien and her parents and--

Justice’s sword rang out when it bit through the straw of the dummy and hit wood.

Death was proving to be less final than she thought, but that didn’t mean she could have anyone back. Kristoff’s spirit had fled, even if his body was still walking around. 

“Commander.” He must have heard her footsteps. Or felt her through the taint. Kristoff was a Grey Warden, after all. There was no reason to think Justice couldn’t sense the taint as well as Kristoff could before.

“Between midnight and dawn, I require everyone to call me by my name.”

“If you prefer.”

“I do.” She leaned against one of the still intact training dummies, looking him over. It wasn’t a cold night and he was dressed more for sleep than for battle. It made her wonder. “Don’t you need to sleep?”

Justice cocked his head. “I find that I do, or rather, this body does. But not for long. And I do not enter the Fade.” He frowned. “I had hoped I could at least see it, even through the veil of sleep, but-” He shook his head. 

“Is it so terrible here?”

“No.” It was a whole statement, that one word. Justice set his training sword down before looking up into the night sky. Elissa couldn’t help but follow his gaze. The stars were bright against the inky blue, the glow of dawn still a few hours off. “There is so much beauty here that beauty goes forgotten.” 

When she lowered her head, she saw he wasn’t looking at the sky. He was looking at her. Her expression must have seemed confused, and he answered the question she didn’t even ask.

“Yes, it is strange, being inside flesh. I experience feelings that feel to be not entirely of my spirit.” Justice looked down at his bare hands. They were pale, but not bloodless. Skin shrunken, but not fetid. He pressed his fingers against his sternum through the loose neck of his linen shirt. “This heart,” he said. “It beats sometimes. I did not expect it to.”

“What?” It was one thing for him to be wearing that body like a suit of armor. A heartbeat was something else. She crossed to him without thinking too much about it and put out her hand. She stopped short. Her fingers hovered close, but did not touch.

Justice took a breath, but not to speak. She didn’t realize he did that either. 

“Here,” he said, taking her hand and pushing it down against his chest. “Feel.”

His skin wasn’t warm as a man’s should be but it wasn’t cold either. It was smooth and almost leathery, like an apple wrinkled in the sun. But there it was under the palm of her hand, distinctive and unmistakably a heartbeat. It was slower than her own frantic pulse, but still a steady, consistent rhythm.

_She felt it._

Elissa flicked her eyes up to his face. His strange eyes, grey and clouded, seemed to glow with a pale blue light. They reminded her of the veins of lyrium she saw when they explored the Fade.

“I feel it.” Her voice was hardly more than a whisper. This wasn’t the first time she’d thought of touching someone who was dead, though never so literally before.

“It happens when I feel things.” He didn’t elaborate. 

Elissa swallowed hard. “Do you...still feel envy? For what Kristoff and Aura had?”

He shook his head. “No. There is a line between envy and-” He seemed frustrated at words. ”I _feel_.” Justice turned away. He stepped back, leaving Elissa’s hand touching nothing but the cool night air.

“Excuse me, Command-” he cut himself off, remembering what she said. “Lady Cousland. It appears my body needs more rest.”

Realizing her hand was still raised and was reaching towards him, she folded her arms, tucking her hands under her elbows.

“Right,” she said. “A lot to do in the morning, as always. We still need to investigate that chasm into the Deep Roads.”

“Of course,” he said, his back still turned. She watched his shoulders shift as if he was breathing again. He kept his face turned down uncharacteristically as he brushed past her, back towards the barracks. “I will be ready to leave at dawn.”

Maybe it was just the glow of the torchlight, but she could have sworn his face was flushed. 

That couldn’t happen, could it? 


	2. Desire and Love

Anders grumbled about staying in the abandoned Turnoble Estate. Elissa reminded him the other option was sleeping underneath the open sky since their packs were lost in the Deep Roads. The sky was grey and threatening rain. He capitulated with a sigh. 

The house wasn’t in bad shape, not once they tossed out the few rotten vegetables left behind after the unexpected deaths of the previous inhabitants. Soldiers from the keep had burned the bodies. The only corpse here was Justice, and he still was in the same condition as before, if a bit dusty and cobwebbed from their time in Kal’Hirol. Then again, she was as dusty and very much not a corpse. Not yet anyway.

Dust was easily remedied. Anders got over his earlier annoyance once he found the bath in the back corner of the main room, tucked behind a folding screen. He used a spell to fill it with ice and then melt it into steaming water. Elissa tried to get a fire going in the hearth, but he snapped his fingers and it was done before she managed it.

He was handy to have around, even if he was entirely irritating.

Sigrun refused a turn in the bath, but Elissa was happy to take the extra time. The fire had warmed the little house nicely. While she worked out the knots in her damp hair, dressed in a thin shift, both Sigrun and Anders nodded off to sleep. She didn’t blame them. There were no darkspawn near enough to feel. They were safe, at least for the time being.

She was exhausted too, but she and sleep had a tumultuous relationship. Better to stay awake until sleep forced itself on her.

Justice had gotten out of his armor and was staring at the bath but hadn’t moved any closer. He did eat with them -- he said his body desired it and well, no one knew what to expect with his situation, least of all him. There was no harm in it anyway.

He had been in better spirits, pun intended, since his last talk with Anders. They’d come to a truce about Justice being a spirit and not a demon. The tension between them had dissipated somewhat. They seemed more like friends now, discussing the Fade and mages and the connections between. They even discussed whether a spirit could inhabit a living body without it being possession.

Elissa knew the answer to that one, but she wasn’t sure if it was her story to tell, so she kept what Wynne told her to herself. Maybe someday she could share what she knew, but she hadn’t wanted to interrupt them.

Better mood aside, Justice was still staring at the bath with trepidation. Like it might bite. Elissa got to her feet and made her way over to him, the damp length of her hair dripping water down her back. 

“You should get in before the spell wears off,” she said. “Cold baths are terrible.”

Justice didn’t reply to her right away, but put his hand on his chest again. When he turned to look at her, his usually passive face was twisted into an expression... _ was that fear _ ?

“Is your heart beating again?”

“It wasn’t,” he said. “Until now.”

“Did I startle you?”

He shook his head. “No. I heard your steps while I was considering if this body required bathing. If I dared take off these clothes and see the state it is in.” He grunted as he looked away. “You came close then and-” He flattened his hand against his chest. “I don’t understand.”

Elissa felt like she was beginning to.

Justice wasn’t a demon. His envy, that desire to love wasn’t going away. It wasn't perverted into something selfish either.

He said  _ I feel _ and she knew what he meant.

He felt for her. It was why his heart beat when she was near, when they were alone. It was mad, but she felt it in return.

She was a logical target for his stray feelings. She didn’t recoil at his strange appearance. She treated him like any other man. And she could treat him like a man who was already dead, so he couldn’t go and die again and leave her.

“I do,” she said. Her own heart was beating hard. “I understand why.”

Justice took her hand and placed it over his where it lay against his beating heart. “Please, help me.”

“First, let’s get you into the bath and then we’ll see.”

He looked at her like he was trying to read her face. He opened his mouth and closed it again.

“Come, sit,” she said, gesturing towards the chair beside the bath. He sat without questioning as she knelt down in front of him, her hands starting to unbuckle the straps on his boots. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

She pulled off his first boot and the stocking underneath. Other than that same thinness that showed the bones underneath, it looked like any other foot. He wiggled his toes.

“Can you die?”

“Not as a mortal dies.” He put both bare feet on the floor once she’d divested him of his boots. “Spirits can perish in the Fade but they never disappear. Memories are lost, but the spirit can return given time.”

“What about feelings?” She knelt up, putting her hands on the hem of his shirt. Justice raised his arms like a child. Probably something from Kristoff’s memories. She slipped his shirt off over his head. “Are those lost?”

“Feelings are what we are. Feelings and virtues, sins and desires. That is what brings a spirit to life. Those would remain, even if an echo.” He was looking at her, not down at himself. But she looked. 

He looked like any other man, albeit thin and dehydrated except for the strange sealed wound through his lower ribs. It was where the darkspawn killed him.

“So now that we’ve met, that you know me,” Elissa continued, helping Justice back to his feet. “Even if you forgot my name, even if you die, you’d still have the feelings you felt for me?”

“I suppose I would, though I cannot tell you for certain. I do not know if I have lived before. I wouldn’t remember if I had.” He tilted his head to look down at her warm fingers untying the drawstring at his waist. “But you are a memorable being. I think some things would keep.”

She let go of the fabric and it fell to the floor. She almost expected him to turn away, some modesty that Kristoff’s body reminded him of but he did not. Instead he lifted his eyes to meet hers.

“Is your heart still beating?” she asked.

“For now, yes.” He took her hand and put it on his bare chest. The rhythm seemed stronger than before. The glow in his eyes was brighter. Elissa could have sworn his skin was warmer, softer than it had been moments ago.

“What about your other feelings?” Elissa didn’t move her hand and she kept her eyes on his face, despite her curiosity about the rest of his now bare body.

“I don’t feel envy anymore, not for what was between Kristoff and Aura,” he said. “But, I still desire the same for myself.”

Justice put his fingers under her chin. They  _ were _ warmer. Almost as if he was alive. He leaned closer.

Any sensible person would have moved away. This couldn’t be right, for so many reasons. But Elissa Cousland should have run away a thousand times from a thousand things since that day when Rendon Howe destroyed her life. She stood for survival, dove wildly into a quest to save the whole of Thedas from destruction. She took a chance at love again after Darrien was killed but then lost her love again on the top of Fort Drakon. She still stood. She always stood.

Justice kissed her. It was the softest touch on her mouth, the faintest brush of his lips against hers.

“Is this wrong?” he asked. He’d asked her this before and she said the same then.

“No,” she said. “I want to feel something too.”

“But is it fair to do this to Kristoff’s body?” She looked at him and beyond doubt now, something was different. This was not an animated body under her fingers. He was  _ alive. _

“Kristoff is gone. You said so yourself.” She took his hand in hers. His fingers were so warm, the flow of blood through his veins showing underneath pale skin. “Look at this.” 

“It must be magic.” He lifted his hand and marveled at the change. “From the Fade, from what am I.” He was breathless, breathing now as if he needed to. “How I feel. It is strong enough to breathe life back into this body.  _ My _ body. At least for now.” He lifted her chin again.

Elissa’s breath caught in her throat. His eyes were blue.  _Desire is a demon_ , but Elissa pushed that thought away.

Justice kissed her. He kissed her with lips and tongue that were undoubtedly alive. She’d seen more than her fair share of death. This wasn’t it.

He did, however, still smell like dust and cobwebs and the Deep Roads. 

Elissa put her hands on either side of his face. “Come on, let’s get you into the tub.”

There was no resistance when she guided him to step into the soapy water. She only let herself look once he was turned away from her. She couldn’t help but marvel at the now smooth skin, the curves of muscle as they disappeared into the water. 

Justice groaned with pleasure. She knew how wonderful mage warmed water felt. It wasn’t like water boiled in a kettle where it was too hot at first and then cold entirely too soon. This was a soothing heat and it lingered.

Elissa knelt down at the head of the bath, and slid her hand onto his shoulder. Her other hand lingered on his neck, feeling the unmistakable pulse of his heartbeat. She slipped her hand into the water and brought it back up, wiping the grime from his throat, from the side of his neck. His skin felt warm and slick against her hand. She moved to kiss him on the triangle of muscle where his neck flared into his shoulder.

His groan this time was decidedly more sensual.

Justice hadn’t had a body before, but this body, it could function on animal instinct. There was no reason to think that instinct wasn’t entirely a part of Justice now. He was not more separate from it than she was from her own body.

He laid his head back against the edge of the tub and she moved herself enough so he could look at her.

“Please,” he said. He didn’t elaborate, but she could guess. She kissed his mouth, moved her body parallel to his and then kissed along the ridge of his jaw to his ear.

“Justice.” She whispered his name, such as it was, into the shell of his ear. He shivered. She slid a hand down his chest, now full and curved with muscle. She wanted more but she didn’t dare move. Desire was one thing and action another.

He whimpered again, hardly enough breath to be a word. “Please.”

“Tell me what you want,” she whispered again. “And it’s yours.”

“I don’t know,” he said, shifting his body so he could turn his head to kiss her. He buried his hand in her hair and kissed her so fiercely it felt like he was trying to devour her. She understood this kind of desire. He didn’t. He couldn’t.

“Please,” he said again, against her lips. “I  _ need. _ ”

A part of her wanted to teach him to tell her what he wanted, but it was likely he didn’t even know. She wanted him to tell her to touch this body, say again out loud that it was his but she knew he couldn’t. This body for him was like an untrained beast, all hunger and no control.

“If you can’t tell me,” she said, “then take what you want. It’s yours.” She bit her lip. “I’m yours.”

No one moved. Elissa took a shaky breath. She could hear her own heartbeat in her ears and see his pulse in the big artery in his neck. His muscles tensed like a predator waiting to strike.

Then, before she could react, he grabbed her and pulled her into the tub on top of him. His teeth, his tongue grazed her neck. His hands clutched at her thighs, positioning her to straddle him. Water sloshed over the side of the bath.

Anders murmured in his sleep on the other side of the screen, but did not wake.

Justice’s fingers dug into her hips as he pushed her down against his body. He was most certainly alive, judging by the hardness of his cock nestled between her legs. He closed his eyes.

She could look at him closely in this position. It was hard to reconcile this man with the one who’d been following her for weeks. His entire body was full and alive and not just the erection she could feel against her. His cheeks were full, the hollow spaces under his eyes were smooth, his skin soft, translucent with the flush of blood beneath. As different as he appeared, his voice was the same. His presence was the same. She didn’t know if her soul was the same as a spirit, but it felt the same to her. His soul was someone she knew.

This was still Justice, but also a man. She could still feel his heartbeat. He opened his eyes and looked up at her raptly, his face, his bright blue eyes fierce with desire. With hunger. 

Elissa leaned forward to kiss him, to lift herself enough to swish the soaked fabric out of the way, to take his cock in her hand, to take his cock into her body. She moved slowly. It hadn’t been so long, but it felt like another lifetime when she felt this way, felt this feeling of opening.

Instinct did what words couldn’t. She moved down, taking the insistent hardness of him in one measure at a time until her thighs were flush with his hips again. He was almost too much; it took a moment for her body to accommodate him, but it did. The animal of her body knew what to do, just as his did.

She rode him, felt the warm water and her body’s fluid slick between them. His hands gripped her hips and his eyes, those eyes that were now so crystalline blue shut tight. He bit his plump lip. 

She wanted to scream, but she knew she shouldn’t. The others would never understand. She didn’t know how they’d explain what happened in the morning but she didn’t care. All she cared about was the sweet friction, this overwhelming feeling of being wanted, of being one with a man who couldn’t die.

Justice would never die. Not like the others. He wouldn’t leave. He couldn’t.

It wouldn’t be  _ Justice _ .

He was panting underneath her, but he hadn’t moved yet, except for tensing his thighs and flexing his fingers. Elissa rocked her hips. 

He felt so good. So good inside her and against her and he  _ was _ so good; virtuous, kind and strong. Maybe he could love her even if she was too broken to love again.

His hips began to move, instinct talking hold and holding her in place. He thrust himself up into her at an increasing pace. She grabbed the rim of the tub, trying to steady herself, only able to hold on as he moved. She could hear the sounds he strangled behind his closed lips, the words he didn’t say. 

He pushed himself up hard and his arms wrapped around her, yanking her down into the water, more of it splashing over the sides onto the floor. His legs trembled underneath her and his cock pulsed his heartbeat and his orgasm inside of her.

Elissa pressed her face into his chest, listened to his hammering heart under her ear, the slickness of skin and sweat and water against her cheek. Justice fought to catch his breath. His fingers flexed into the malleable flesh of her back, rubbing along the cords of spent muscles.

“I feel,” he whispered. “So many things.”

Elissa made only a soft sound in reply. She understood. She felt these things. She always felt everything and always too quickly. She couldn’t be sure this was any more real or any more likely to last.

Justice couldn’t die, but the world wasn’t always just.

She let sleep claim her then, instead of feeling anything else.


	3. Fear and Hope

Elissa woke to the scent of decay. It was dark but she jerked away from the scent with pure animal survival instinct. It wasn’t a strong scent once she was sitting up, but it was scalded into her brain. Her eyes struggled to focus.

She wasn’t in the tub any longer. Someone had carried her from the bath to a bed in the back of the house. She wasn’t dressed, but covered in a blanket. She was also not alone. Justice lay in the bed on his back and she’d been cradled against him, her cheek on his chest.

He wasn’t breathing. She reached out for him, fingertips on his sternum. His skin was cold, the cold of the dead. She couldn't feel any heartbeat.

Was he dead? Another man dead because she dared get too close?

“Justice,” she said, pushing her palm against his chest, hoping against hope that she was wrong. “Wake up, please.”

Her eyes started to adjust to the dim light, the very first glimmer of dawn through the window, the smallest glow of embers from the other room. She looked at him and saw he was as desiccated as before, perhaps even moreso. His closed eyes were sunk into the sockets and that scent, one she’d never noticed before lay close to his skin.

She didn’t care. Death meant nothing anymore. She leaned in, kissed his cheek and whispered into his ear.

“Justice, please. Wake up. You can’t leave me like this.”

He sat bolt upright, eyes flickering open. “What happened?” His voice was still the same.

“Oh thank the Maker,” Elissa panted, “I thought I’d lost you.”

He didn’t say anything in what felt like a lifetime, only lifted up his hands to look at them. Eventually he turned to face her. His eyes were grey and cloudy again, frosted like ice on a windowpane in winter.

“This body,” he said. “I feel it dying. Whatever spark of life we found has been spent.”

“Did I do this? Did I kill you?” her voice cracked.

He reached out to her and cupped her face in his hand. His skin was different, cold and dry, but it was still him inside. It had to be.

“No, I remain. I have no regrets.” He frowned. “But I only hope we can find and defeat this evil that is guiding the darkspawn soon. I fear this body will not serve me as long as I hoped.”

“What do we do then? Can we find you another?”

“I don’t know. I  _ feel _ , but-” He put his hand on her shoulder. “I cannot take another body that is not freely given. There is a line I cannot cross.”

Elissa bit back tears. Perhaps his body had suffered, but his affinity for her feelings seemed unchanged. He squeezed her shoulder.

“I will do everything I can to find one. I don’t wish to leave you or myself with only dust and bones.”

“Justice I think I-” She stopped.

This couldn’t be right. No matter what happened, he was not even a man. This body wasn’t alive. She tried to talk herself out of it, even if it was too late. But she couldn’t. None of that mattered.

It didn’t matter what he was, only who. 

“Justice, I love you.”

Justice stared at her with his strange, expressionless eyes. “I feel,” he said. “I feel it too.”

* * *

Elissa thought killing the darkspawn would be the end of it. Killing the archdemon hadn’t ended it, but she still hoped. They said she was Warden Commander, but it was ridiculous. She didn’t want to command anything. She’d never wanted it. She was glad to have an older brother her entire life.

But fate did what fate did and she was here and was the Commander, for better or worse.

Once the immediate danger was gone, things fell further apart.

Justice’s body was dying.

The other Wardens, the ones she conscripted and the second wave from Orlais, were out of her control. Anders was the worst but Rolan made him so. The former Templar Warden followed him like a jailor. Nothing Elissa said seemed to make any difference.

Anders chafed at the binds of the Wardens as much as he chafed against the control of the Templars. If he only knew that would make them pull the reins harder, maybe he would have found another outlet. Instead he needled them. He made it worse.

She was starting to hate him. She had more important things she wanted to worry about. There was research to be done, to find a way to keep Justice alive. Instead she spent hours trying to undo the trouble Anders caused, trying to keep Rolan from putting a knife in him.

She thought Anders might be willing to help her, to help Justice, now that they were friends but he wouldn't talk to her about it. They still spoke to each other, privately. Neither would tell her about what.

The soldiers were starting to complain about the smell. She struggled to be near him despite how dearly she wanted to be. Justice understood, or said he did and kept his distance but it was breaking her heart.

That was when Fergus invited her to visit Highever. She planned to say no, but then she remembered the library. There had been mages as part of the court from time to time. She knew there were tomes on magic and demons. She loved their garish red leather covers and bold script, even if she hadn’t actually read them.

Maybe this was a blessing, this invitation.

She told Justice she loved him again and kissed him, despite how his skin had greyed and was cracking. She looked into his cloudy eyes and told him she couldn’t wait to see him again.

She missed his blue eyes. Or were they Kristoff’s eyes? She couldn’t be sure.

“Elissa,” he said. His voice was the same but it started to sound less like it came from his throat and more like an echo. “Whatever happens, know that what I feel is true. I am a spirit of Justice but you’ve shown me I can be more than only that. Justice is best when tempered with love.”

“I love you,” she said again. If she knew nothing else, she knew that was true.

“I feel it too.”

When she left, it was with both fear and with hope.


	4. Regret and Revenge

She returned to a pyre.

She saw the smoke for miles before she could see the walls in the distance. She had seen enough funerals in the last years to know what it was. Her heart sunk. People died all the time, but she knew.

He knew. That’s what his words meant.

_Whatever happens._

Anders met her at the gate. He leapt to his feet when he saw her with uncharacteristic alacrity, his brown eyes shining.

“Commander, you’re back.” He sounded different. She couldn’t put her finger on it.

“Is that…?” she couldn’t bear to finish the question.

Anders frowned, but only halfway. “Yes. He couldn’t wait any longer. He wanted to go to Aura, deliver her the body while he was still mostly in one piece, but we talked him out of it. She didn’t want to see it. You didn’t either.”

Elissa swallowed hard. “But what about the rest of it? Where is he? Did he find….”

“That’s why I’m here, Commander.” He frowned. “I mean...um... _Elissa?_ ” There was an echo overlaid on his voice when he said her name.

Her heart stopped.

“In...you?”

“Shhh,” he whispered. “Not everyone knows and Rolan is already following me like a mabari.” He frowned again. “We shouldn’t talk about it here. Can you meet me tonight?”

“Yes,” she said it too fast. She wanted nothing more than to see Justice, even if it was behind Anders’ brown eyes.

* * *

They both smelled of funeral smoke when they made their way to the battlements. She thought about meeting him in private, but then thought better of it. This wasn’t the same as when Justice was in Kristoff’s body. Anders was still here. He’d need to give permission. She didn’t know what this would even mean.

Better where they could be seen until she knew more.

Elissa broke the silence. “How did it happen?”

“We’d been talking about it for weeks before you left,” Anders admitted. “We both wanted to tell you but we were afraid you’d try to talk us out of it.” He made a face. “I know I’m not your favorite person.”

“That’s not-” She started to disagree but she stopped. He was right. He wasn’t her favorite. What remained to be seen was if her favorite person was here as well.

“Look, before you say anything else, I need to tell you.” Anders took a deep breath. “It didn’t go like we expected. We thought, him and me. We’d still be Justice and Anders and we could work together. As Grey Wardens. And to help mages. But we’re not...I’m not _me_. I feel like someone else. As for Justice...he is here. I feel him too, but it’s hard to tell where he ends and I start.” He tried to smile but it was more of a grimace. “I remember everything that happened between you. I feel what he felt.”

“What does this mean Anders? Is he _gone_?” Her chest felt like it was on fire.

“No he’s here but I...or rather we haven’t quite figured out how this works. I thought we’d just share my body, and I was okay with that. But we’re sharing everything.”

“I still don’t understand.”

“I’m trying to tell you I love you,” he blurted out.

It felt wrong. Justice never said he loved her. Not like that. Anders came closer, he reached out a hand.

Elissa backed away from him, bumping into the stone wall of the keep behind her.

“Don’t.”

“But Elissa, I feel what he felt. I can’t make it stop.” He grunted. “Believe me, I _tried._ ”

“He wouldn’t have tried to stop. You’re lying to me. Why are you lying?” She was starting to sound hysterical. She felt hysterical.

“I’m not lying!” He took a step toward her. There was a flicker of blue behind his eyes. Like lightning.

Elissa flattened herself against the wall. “Stay away from me, you freak!”

“I am _not a freak_.” Anders’ body shivered and he lurched forward, his whole body jerking, twitching. He grabbed at the sides of his head. When he straightened up again, his eyes glowed blue like a meteor and glimmers of light seeped out through his skin. His entire presence changed. The voice was the one she knew, yet had also never heard before. “I am _Vengeance._ ”

She felt tears escape down her face. “Vengeance?” Her words were ragged. “But you were Justice; _my_ Justice tempered with love.”

“This mage had not known love until I showed it to him. But you, despite your promises, you have rejected our love, freely given.” The voice reverberated in the darkest park of her soul “There is no place for justice or temperance here. Only revenge for the wronged.” He took a menacing step toward her. “You have wronged us.”

“No! No I-” she started.

Anders’ body pitched forward again and his voice was in chorus with her. “No, stop it, you can’t. She _saved us!_ ” He fell to his knees.

Elissa warred against herself. Her instinct was to go to him. Her fear warned her to stay away.

“I’m sorry,” Anders sobbed, looking up at her. “I thought he could help me. I thought I could help him. But I’ve destroyed us both.”

She fell down beside him, put her hand on his back.

“I love you too,” she said and it didn’t entirely feel like the lie it was. It was self preservation. Whatever he wanted to hear she needed to tell him. “I didn’t mean to hurt him, or you. I didn’t mean for any of it. Justice would have left, tried to return to the Fade if not for me. It’s not your fault, Anders.” She grabbed his face, made him look at her. “It’s my fault. I’m so sorry.”

Anders leapt forward and kissed her, so hard their teeth clacked together.

It was wrong.

His lips felt wrong. His breath was clean and it was wrong. His soft stubble made her face itch. It made her angry. She hated it. She hated him. But she let him kiss her until he burned himself out, sagged back on to his heels away from her.

“Maker, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.” He stumbled to his feet, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “I need to go, until I - _until we-_ get this under control I need to stay away from you.”

He was gone before she could say more.

Elissa wiped her face, stared at her hands twisting in her lap and tried to calm her racing heart. She’d seen this all once before; in Redcliffe Castle, when Connor Guerrin was possessed by a demon.

Justice said he was no demon, but what was left could be described as nothing else.

He didn’t die. He couldn’t, but her curse held true. He was gone.

When she composed herself enough to look up she saw she was not alone. Rolan was there, close enough that she could tell by his dark expression that he’d seen everything.

“We accept many things in the Wardens,” he said. “Apostates, maleficars, murderers, thieves. I too have accepted this.”

Elissa swallowed.

“But Commander, can we allow for an abomination in our ranks? Whatever else, the others are mortal as we are. But demons? Is that not too far?”

She wanted to say no, but she knew he was right. And unlike Connor’s demon, she knew Justice was inside of Anders. There could be no trip into the Fade to save him. There could be no saving either of them.

“Do what you must, but be discreet,” she said, words bitter in her mouth. “We don’t want a panic. Take him to the Deep Roads. Make sure he doesn’t come back.”

Her heart ached when Rolan nodded and disappeared into the darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> This story directly leads up to the short story "Anders" by Jennifer Helper and I'd recommend reading it again afterwards (or before if you're like that) for full impact. 
> 
> https://dragonage.fandom.com/wiki/Anders_(short_story)


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